Let me tell you, it is soooooooo easy to fall into the black hole of negativity. Life is friggin’ hard! Adulting is hard! Parenting is hard! Then when you mix in unexpected, unplanned health issues that turn your world upside down, you’re in that black hole yet again, pretty fast.
I was recently reading “Grace not Perfect” by Emily Ley. When I reached page 148 into 149, I read about her dad and a fishing accident he had. After several surgeries he ended up going blind in his left eye. She said day after day he would remark at how grateful he was to have been born with better than perfect vision in both eyes, so his right eye was able to compensate. She said how her dad chose to be amazed by what God provided him rather than focus on the loss of his eye.
It brought tears to my eyes. Wow; wouldn’t it be awesome if we all could see the world that way?! Focusing on our strengths instead of our weaknesses? Focusing on what are gifts and talents are instead of where we’ve failed or fallen short?
Gosh I have been in those negative spots more times in my life than I can even count. Times when I did not think life was fair or worth it. Only focusing on my weaknesses and failures. Feeling like I had no one to talk to or no one that understood me. Rejection, failure, sadness, worthlessness. A black hole of self-sabotage.
The day I met my husband gave me hope and a new excitement at life that I did not think could exist. A love for another that I only dreamed about based on favorite Disney princess movies.
The black hole of negativity would still come and go though.
The day I gave birth to my first baby, brought an even bigger love for life, an unexplainable (unless you’re a mama yourself then you’ll understand) unconditional love that you never knew was possible in this world.
The black hole of negativity would still come and go though.
Then the day I gave birth to my second baby, feelings of pure joy and unconditional love that I didn’t know was possible to split between more than one child at once was there and was pure happiness.
But life continues to throw you curve balls. Sometimes throwing you in that black hole of negativity. I always seemed to weasel my way out, but self-doubt was still there.
Then came my celiac diagnosis, and it felt like a life sentence.
It wasn’t until I had a session with my therapist when he told me, “you are well within your right to have these life sentence like feelings of hating life and having difficulty coping with the diagnosis and feelings of missing out. But think about all those people who have it far worse and who do not have as many blessings as you do. Look at the long list of gifts and talents and many blessings you have.”
My celiac diagnosis may be a life sentence, but God has provided me answers to my endless questions and doctor visits for the last 15 years. I can feel better, be healthier and comfortable in my own skin.
As I continue on this journey, I know I’ll have my ups and downs. Don’t worry, you all will know all about them! Ha! Currently at this very moment, I am trying to not get sucked into the black hole of negativity as I prepare and count down the days, hours and minutes until 7am on Sunday, February 2nd, 2020. Something I have been working on all year. This big feat means more to me than I can try to make my words express.
As most of you might know, I have a big race coming up. A half marathon. My 4th one. Now some may roll their eyes like oh geez look at her running Half marathons blah, blah, blah! Hear me out please, because I am not bragging AT ALL. Guys this race is not “just another half marathon” to me. This is a big, BIG deal for me.
My first half marathon was February 2018. My time: 2 hours 23 minutes 49 seconds
My second half marathon was August 2018. My time: 2 hours 33 minutes 33 seconds
My third half marathon was February 2019. My time: 2 hours 10 minutes 59 seconds
My next race is in 5 days on February 2, 2020. I have been training my ass off, determined to prove something to myself. Determined to get a time of 1 hour 59 minutes 59 seconds.
For me, this race means more than just exercise or because I physically can. This race means an accomplishment bigger than just crossing the finish line. This race is to prove to myself where I’ve come from. It has been a full year since my diagnosis. A full year of having my health back. A year filled with self-doubt and a feeling of defeat so deep it could make me cry..again. A year full of changes, good and bad. A year full of hope and excitement.
Crossing that finish line proves to myself where I’ve come from and what I’ve overcome. Crossing that finish line and getting my goal time of 1 hour 59 minutes and 59 seconds is proof of my hard work and dedication.
Crossing that finish line proves to myself that my diagnosis could be my greatest weakness in life but has quickly become my greatest strength in life because I have my health back!
“Never allow anyone to take away your sparkle. Be kind and laugh and love often.”
Cheers, Tracy
When Tracy Met Gluten 